Mister Sauce

This is my specialty. It doesn't have a name. It started out as a cardinale sauce, but it's kinda taken on a life of it's own over the years and couldn't be farther from the original if it tried. This is the culmination of about 4 years of work, perfecting it, weekly.

I think I'm going to now name it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present.... Mister Sauce. Mister Sauce is spicy. Mister Sauce will climb up into your throat, grab your taste buds, and stab them. He is also sweet. His spiciness creeps up on you gently, like a lover with a straight razor. Normally, I tell you to experiment. DO NOT TOY WITH MISTER SAUCE. He gets angry when you mess up his suit. If you want to make a different version of him, call it something else. And no "dr sauce" or "reverend sauce". There is only one Mister Sauce, and he works alone.

Mister Sauce does not like to be photographed. This is the closest approximation to Mister Sauce I could find. I had a picture of him on my laptop and my desktop and they both died at the same time, and wouldn't work properly for weeks. This is the first time he will see the light of day. Use him carefully. Mister Sauce hates weak pasta. He will eat your angel hair for you. He will save a single piece of it and kill you with it. He works better over a hearty pasta. He works best over filled pasta, with shrimp and a bit of broccoli. He can be cooked while the pasta water is boiling and the pasta's being made.

Ingredients (Mister sauce feeds 4 people, or 3 if you've never had him and don't know what he's capable of.)
3 tblsp butter
3 tblsp flour
3 cups whole milk (Do not toy with anything less. He doesn't work well with any less than whole milk, and any more will make him too thick. Mister Sauce is a razor's edge of precision.)
1 small can of tomato paste
1 small red onion, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, chopped
1 tsp each paprika, chili powder, cayenne pepper, chipotle powder (I use a tblsp, but I guess he'll be polite, since he's in a new house and all. I think my version would kill the average american. If he feels a bit limp, apologise to him and add in the extra next time)
1/4 cup basil leaves. Roll them into a long tube and chop them. they should come out into long thin strips. Julienne, ftw. youtube it if you don't know how.
1/8 cup shredded parmesan cheese
3 green onions, sliced thin diagonally, for garnish (Mister sauce likes to think he's mexican, so I humor him)

So, this starts simply enough. Melt butter in a sauce pan on medium heat. Let the butter bubble up a bit and grow a tiny foam. Toss in the garlic and red onions and cook until the onions are clear. DO NOT BURN THE GARLIC. If the garlic starts to darken, skip straight ahead to: add the flour. Mix it up, stir it around, push it about, and generally manhandle it. This is the only time in this process you will feel that you are in control of Mister Sauce, so enjoy it. You want the flour totally absorbed. It should be a nice paste. Cook it for about 2 minutes. You'll think you're burning it. Don't worry. That's just his hate beginning to fester. Pour in the milk, a half a cup at a time, and stir well between, making sure that the flour is fully absorbed and well mingled. Adding the milk should take about 2 minutes or so. Add in the spices, all at once. Note: the spices probably blew through the sauce and colored it immediately and completely. You probably didn't even have to stir it. He wants the anger. YOUR SPICES WILL ONLY MAKE HIM STRONGER. Simmer him, stirring pretty frequently, for about 2 minutes. Add the cheese. It'll melt in pretty near immediately. He'll eat the cheese just like he ate the spices. Give it another minute, stirring frequently, then add in the tomato paste. You just lost control of this sauce. Now, it's a fight. Mister Sauce wants your freaking fork. Oh, you were using a whisk? Not anymore. You can manhandle him into submission, eventually, with a wooden spoon, but a plastic fork is really the best tool if you have a non stick pan. YOU HAVE TO STAB HIM TO DEATH. The tomato puree will be a pain in the butt to work in, otherwise. Work in the puree fully, until smooth, stirring constantly and cooking for about another 2 minutes or so. You want to cook him until he's nice and creamy and delicious. You'll think, at some point, that he's perfect. Give him an extra 30 seconds. We want this thicker than alfredo. Take him off of the heat, or turn off the heat if you're cooking with gas, and pour in all of that basil. Stir it about, He will steam the basil perfectly, keeping it sweet but unlocking all of that flavor.

Pour him over a pasta that's capable of taking all of that saucy yumminess, pour yourself a glass of milk (trust me, you'll want a bunch of milk on hand), and top it with a nice handful of the diagonal sliced green onion.

Seriously, I know I talk up food from time to time, but I'm not even kidding when I say this is the best thing I cook. It's not even a close competition. Oh, keep a pillow nearby. Mister Sauce put a roofie in your milk, you won't be able to operate heavy machinery for at least a half hour after you eat him, and you might need a nap.